We Haven't Healed from 9.11
Dec. 28, 2023
I started writing this post on September 11th of this year. For whatever reason, it didn’t feel right, or ready to publish, as if there was more I need to digest, think about, or reflect on before putting it out into the world. Since the horrific attack on Israel by Hamas, on October 7th, and the genocide that has since ensued against the nation of Palestine since then, I now know that this post was meant to be so much more than a short acknowledgement that twenty-two years have passed since September 11th.
After October 7th, questions and feelings that have lain dormant within me for decades suddenly resurfaced; it felt like 9/11 all over again. History, repeating, only this time on Middle Eastern soil. The past couple months, I’ve been consumed with the need to know or at least try to understand and learn as much as I can about the conflict over the last 75 years. A very real part of me feels resentful; that once again, my life, my consciousness feels occupied by war and conflict, of which I want nothing to do with, nor do I support.
But lest I forget for a moment that this world is run by unhealed humans, life will always remind me. I wish I could simply exist as nature intended; as a sovereign fairy nymph, playing in the springs and fields, singing to the trees and animals, fed and supported by the planet that so graciously and miraculously birthed me, which has sustained life throughout our existence and evolution.
But nooo. I, we, are occupied by, and must answer to men and their systems, and their egos, and their greed, and their respective gods - for who would they be without their gods?
Have they learned nothing of all the previous empires? What goes up must come down. Every man eventually humbled by the laws of nature, gravity, children, women, and music. And if not by those, then finally, by death.
We who regard the soil and the land as fully conscious and alive, have observed and fought against a hysteria, a mania which continues to prevail: the utter delusional mindset of the white colonizer.
Sept. 11th, 2023
Twenty-two years ago, the World Trade Center was attacked. And time stood still as the world watched in horror as some 3,000 people perished; some falling to their death from impossibly high floors of the Twin Towers, others surrendering to their fate by burning to death inside, and those who died on board flights AA11, AA77, AA93, and UA175. Twenty-two years ago today, one of my oldest and dearest friends turned 12 years-old.
Twenty-two in numerology is considered to be the most powerful number out of the rest, and thus, Master Number 22 is also called “Master Builder”, or the “Master Architect”. It holds so much power that it can turn big dreams into reality if worked upon it very sincerely. The number 22 in numerology is a very inimitable number. The original Hebrew alphabet consisted of 22 letters, representing everything from creation to eternity. Circles also prominently refer to the numerology number 22, and thus it represents the totality of creation. Number 22 is an auspicious number that symbolizes balance, harmony, and a deep sense of purpose.
On September 11th, 2001, I padded downstairs around 10am central time. At the time, I was attending a school for talented and gifted kids in Plano, TX. Most of my peers were competitive gymnasts, including would-be Olympians like Nastia Liukin and Carly Patterson. We only went to school for two and a half hours a day, and my first class started at 12:30PM, so my mom and I usually didn’t leave our house until 11. I walked into the den to find my mother sitting in front of the T.V. She turned around to face me and there were tears streaming down her face. She struggled to utter the words to explain to me what had happened. Images of the Twin Towers billowing with smoke, and the planes crashing into them replaying on the screen. Looking back, I think that was the day I lost my innocence, even though I’d seen Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis make love in ‘Top Gun’, which led to my sexual awakening at the ripe age of six.
I couldn’t believe something this terrifying could happen anywhere in the world, let alone the U.S. What a rude awakening I was in for. A lifetime of disappointments to look forward to. Still, I was ambitious, naive, and a big dreamer. The months that followed, I remember often lying awake in bed before falling asleep, dreaming of my future as a super-star recording artist and actress, and wondering what life was like for girls my age across the world in places like Afghanistan, and Iraq. I was 11 years-old. Like most Millennials, September 11th, 2001 was the day I first heard of the Taliban and Al Qaeda, and learned the term “terrorist” - though the KKK, and Nazis should have also been labeled as such. Truth be told, it may have even been the first time I ever learned the words “Muslim” and “Islam”. Soon, I’d learn the term “weapons of mass destruction”, and who Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein were.
Immediately, airline security protocols adapted to limit the amount of liquid you could carry on, and shoes and jackets had to be removed before walking through the metal detector. Muslim-Americans became the target of death-threats, hate speech, and slander. Though I was aware that just because some terrorist groups were Muslim didn’t mean all Muslims were terrorists, I’d feel pangs of fear, mixed with empathy any time I would see a Muslim person in public. I often wondered what America must have looked like through the eyes of an Arab. Knowing about, and witnessing, countless atrocities committed by religious groups is the reason I didn’t attend Church often. I would pray before going to sleep at night, and was earnest in letting God know that I believed in Him and wanted Him in my life; I just couldn’t subscribe to the group-think and hypocrisy and willful ignorance of my community, or the Church. Little did I know at the time that being hypocritical is kind of impossible to avoid in a world of duality, and capitalism, and I didn’t yet know shit about the nuances of circumstance, and how they could stand in the way of a person being the person they think they are, or want to be. I did know that whether I attended Church or not, if I wanted a relationship with God, I could have one.
I was embarrassed by our then President, George W. Bush. I knew he only won the election because he was “fathered” in, (specifically by uneducated white men), not because he was otherwise qualified by his strong character, moral, vision, intellect, or leadership skills. I’d think, “No wonder the Taliban want us dead. They probably think we’re a stupid, greedy, selfish, exploitative nation.”
Did that give them the right to attack us? Of course not. But I could see why they’d want to. Because even though we are a nation with a longggggg list of flaws, and scars, we are one of the world’s most powerful and liberated. Our women work, drive, attend school, are business owners, show our skin, we can choose our partners, whether they’re male or female. We can choose to be religious or not. We can choose if we have children or not. Well, in some states at least. It’s not total freedom - yet - but compared to the majority of Middle Eastern countries, it’s a lot of freedom.
I remember being so angry when Bush announced the Iraq War. What did Iraq have to do with anything? “They have weapons of mass destruction,” we were told. Even then I knew it was bullshit. Until very recently, I had a bumper sticker on the bathroom door of my childhood home that read “(No Bush) Leave No Billionaire Behind”.
Anyway. Life went on, and that close friend of mine grew up to become a hedge-fund manager for Bank of America in New York City. I had other threads to follow, which would eventually lead me to Los Angeles.
October 10th, 2023
On September 11th, (of this year), I took that friend to dinner to celebrate her birthday, and her recent matrimony in Italy that I wasn’t able to attend. A few hours before, a massive double rainbow appeared over the Manhattan skyline. Exactly a week later, another huge rainbow rose over the Lower East Side. It felt like a positive omen, or “God wink” as my family likes to calls them.
Last night after work, I decided to take a walk around lower Manhattan. The weather was beautiful, the air was crisp. I walked through Chinatown then made my way down to Seaport / Fulton. I found myself wandering west. The sight of The Freedom Tower is always inspiring. To me, it represents renewal, and the resilience and power of New Yorkers. It also represents a grand mystery; its reflective windows mirroring questions I don’t even know to ask yet; as well as insights which lie dormant in me, soon to be shaken up and brought up to the surface.
What do I believe to be true about America? About New York City? About the “free” market system?
Dec. 29th, 2023
Life is like an acid trip. Sometimes you can see something so clearly, but because you’re on your own trip, others won’t be able to see what you’re seeing unless you spell it out in detail. I will never truly know what it’s like to experience things through any other lens but my own, no matter how I may try to “un-filter” my view. But it’s important that we try to understand where others are coming from. I’ve learned that people struggle to see where I’m coming from, and I think finally I’ve learned to be okay with not being understood, or misunderstood. I can’t live my entire existence worrying about if people get me or not.
I am in no way an expert on The Middle East. But as an actor, writer, and a sacral 1/3 Generator, investigation comes naturally to me. The way I gather and analyze information is scientific in style. Rather than feeling I’ve ever arrived at an end-all-be-all truth, I allow what I find to inform the next questions. Always be asking questions. That is how we keep love - and consciousness - alive. There are many intersections where the truth resides, and each contains multiple faces. So while I don’t know everything there is to know about Israel, Palestine, Iran - thanks in large part to our media - I am on a quest to familiarize myself.
That’s why I was shocked the other day when a friend told me that “Instagram is just entertainment and thus, I shouldn’t take anything I see on there seriously.” I have to disagree. Of course there is a lot on Instagram that is pure entertainment, but it’s also a tool to educate people, and raise awareness for very real things happening in the world. It’s many people’s main tool of communication. This is the first time in history that we’ve witnessed a genocide play out in real-time on video. And it’s fucking horrifying. But I can’t say we’d be waking up to the degree and at the pace that we are if it wasn’t blatantly in our faces. If their bodies, their lives remained only in the heavily controlled and surveilled headlines. Because frankly, that’s largely what the conflicts in Syria, Sudan, Lybia, Congo have remained; headlines.
Are we really free? That is the question.
When our government requires us to pay exorbitant taxes, and then uses those taxes to bomb the absolute shite out of a vulnerable nation, it doesn’t sit well with me. When we are told we can’t pay our educators, we can’t forgive student loans, we can’t provide universal healthcare, we can’t reimagine our infrastructure to combat climate change, but we can build another nation entirely, it does not sit well with me.
I’m starting to suspect that another of the grand illusions I’ve been under is the illusion that this government is capable of doing anything in the interests of our people. If they are willing to lie, withhold truth in our media, our history books, and even our textbooks, there’s no trust.
I am tired.
Are we really free, if we go to prison if we refuse to pay our taxes?
Are we really free if we can’t decide whether or not we bring children into this woman-hating nation?
Are we really free if our “freedom” is dependent on the exploitation and oppression of people of color?
Are we really free if our elections are heavily influenced by donations from the NRA, and AIPAC?
Are we really free if people can lose their jobs if they choose not to vaccinate themselves?
Are we really free if people who speak out in support of Palestinians may lose their jobs or platforms for doing so?
The answer, of course, is no.
Feb. 4th, 2024
We haven’t healed. It’s difficult. Who has the time? If you have the time, you probably have the resources to at least start. Maybe you’ve even become the healer leading others.
How can we heal trauma - truly - when the priority is money and business and economy? How can we heal when we keep scratching off the scabs? How can we heal when we turn our noses up, or label healing modalities such as breath work, yoga, Reiki, even therapy as “woo-woo” or even demonic? How can we heal when we only stick to what - and who - we already know? How can we heal when we don’t prioritize introspection, and alone time? How can we heal when our culture is so hurried, we barely live fully in the moments we’re given? How can we heal when the food we are consuming is made up of processed chemicals, and sprayed with cancer-causing glyphosate? How can we heal when our water is polluted? How can we heal when we sooner numb ourselves, than give ourselves and our emotions the necessary attention in order to process, and feel? How can we heal when we regard religion as the end-all be-all, when we’ve witnessed time and time and time and time again atrocities committed in the name of “God”?
I know many Jewish people still haven’t completely healed from the Holocaust. Who is anyone to judge their healing timeline? And truthfully, I don’t know that many of us have completely healed from 9/11. Zionism spread like wildfire after 9/11. Our attention has been pulled in countless directions since then, but that doesn’t mean it went away. Anti-semitism is on the rise.
The thing I’m asking of us all is to become very aware of where we are engaging with our hatred of the “other”, whoever that may be. Would you be surprised if I said that all hatred is self-hatred? It all comes back to us. What manifests in the world first manifests in the mind. The world is literally a projection of our consciousness, collectively and individually. Violence perpetuates violence, even if it is subtle, or “hidden”. Of course we know that actions can be violent. But thoughts can be violent too. Confronting ourselves, our own souls can be painful. It is not easy to take responsibility for everything we feel and think, especially if it’s “ugly”.
I no longer want us to fall into the trap of thinking we aren’t powerful because we don’t control the government, or the markets. Because actually, we do. We get to decide who we bless with our money. We need to move away from a system that takes money from us to line the pockets of arms dealers and men of no conscience. We need to move towards that which lights us up; that which excites us and makes us feel like we are in our purpose. The good news is, you’re already in your purpose. The bad news is that you may be standing in your own way.
When the gut - your literal gut - is overloaded with toxins, mucus, fungus, heavy metals, EMF’s, and information overload - you will certainly face difficulty in trusting yourself, your intuition, your voice, and your point of view. I can say this because I have experienced it myself. The incessant imposter syndrome, the monkey mind’s mission to keep me locked in a state of anxiety, inaction, complacency, and hopelessness. True health and wellbeing is difficult in a system that is strategically engineered to keep us dependent on outsourced joy; a system that separates us from our food; a system which has created a hierarchical divide between the white man and everyone else since its founding.
But here’s what I’ve learned throughout my own healing journey. Trying to change others is Futile with a capital F. You can only change yourself. And good luck with that. I mean that genuinely. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it is fucking difficult.
What can I do other than inspire? One of my favorite people right now is Mel Robbins, or “Aunty Mel” as I refer to her. She doesn’t pretend to be perfect. In fact, she’s extremely honest about her flaws and shortcomings, which is what makes her so relatable, and ultimately trustworthy. She’s not afraid to be vulnerable. The spaces in which vulnerability are encouraged are far and few between. I think that is slowly changing, thanks to people like Brené Brown, and practitioners who are building spaces for men, specifically, to come together and support each other in their vulnerability. Still, they’re not the norm. Remember, there is power in your vulnerability.
Vulnerability is typically what differentiates us from others. Which is why it’s so hard to be forthcoming with it. It’s easy to stand shoulder to shoulder with what connects us, even when it doesn’t feel wholly authentic. I’m talking about the things we are deeply afraid to share. This fear, I think, stems from the fear of abandonment. Truly living as oneself requires a level of courage we don’t often exercise.
One of the most impactful books I’ve been given is a book called A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, by Edwin H. Friedman. Here’s one of many insights he includes:
“Leadership through self-differentiation is not easy; learning techniques and imbibing data are far easier. Nor is striving or achieving success as a leader without pain: there is the pain of isolation, the pain of loneliness, the pain of personal attacks, the pain of losing friends. That’s what leadership is all about.”
Now don’t get me wrong. I learn from humanity by consuming the data and information. I learn about others by observing. That fly on the wall? It me.
But I process and reform and heal in solitude; with time and space away from the crowd. I have an incessant need to be different. Not to feel more superior, but in a way to feel more “me”. I think this is what it means to be an artist; to be constantly reforming oneself…
Towards that which is true;
Towards that which is real;
Towards that which is good.
And I think the aim of the artist is to point the audience back to themselves. Make love to you. What makes you tick? Have you forgotten the importance of play? The importance of rest? The importance of solitude… of exploration… of imagination… of prayer… of nature… of crying… of breath… of dance?
While navigating the pain which you are currently facing, from wherever source it may come, claim it as yours, and your responsibility alone. Those who wish to heal others must first learn how to heal themselves. Keep calling for liberation, keep calling for justice, keep calling for the end of human suffering. You can do this without denying another’s pain, or experience. You can do this without using your energy to look for flaws in the “opposition”. Remember, the opposition is a mirror. We are humans, and humans are flawed. And we are operating under systems made by humans, which therefore are, inherently, flawed.
War requires us to sharpen our swords, and unless you want to fight with guns, bombs, and chemicals, you need to sharpen your mind, and work towards mastery of it, rather than being used by it. It’s hard. I know.
I know.
But we are here. And we are equipped. And we are capable.
Towards that which is true;
Towards that which is real;
Towards that which is good.